I think about it because I need something to fill up all the dead space in my head, all the dead space that they left behind. If I'm lonely in body, at least not in mind. In my head, I'm lovely and promiscuous and they all still love me and I don't have to be alone. But I am alone and I'm not sure if I'm pretending to like it. I'd like to just wake up and be beautiful for someone other than me sometime. I know he'd like me better this way, now that I'm shamelessly happy and I laugh more and I don't cry quite so much. I'm not such an emotional little shit. He'd like me better this way. And lately I'm wondering if that's why I am this way because this really isn't who I've ever been. It's nice though, this being okay with everything and even loving lots of things.

So they told me if I was happy with myself, someone else would be happy with me and I wouldn't be so alone. Okay. I'm waiting. It's been more than a year now that I've been making myself into this. And I'm still waiting. Maybe there is something to be waiting for, but I'm really beginning to doubt it. I loved someone once, but once isn't really enough. At least not anymore.

I will take you home with me and you will be alone with me and I won't be alone with me and we won't be home alone anymore. That's what I have to say to you and anyone who wants to come home with me because I can't stand being home alone anymore. It was nice in the beginning, being able to dance around in my underwear. But then I realized I could dance with someone else and it might be just as much fun and they might appreciate the lace, because I certainly don't. It just itches too much. I don't know why I keep doing this or wearing these things. I guess I keep hoping that someone will come home with me eventually and maybe there'll be a reason for all this bull shit that I put myself through. But it's really, truly, and honestly quite unlikely.

vintage//modern