There isn't really anything in the old memories anymore, now that I know that things were not as I thought they were. It seemed so perfect at the time, but I know better now, and I can see the flaws. I know it wasn't love. I know it wasn't beautiful. It isn't a sweet sadness anymore. It's just me being naive and pathetic, and believing that he was too.

I don't know why I still think about it when I know there's nothing really to remember. Maybe it's because Derek is never really here. He's there for me, and he loves me, but we are so rarely together, and my mind begins to wander. I think about the boys who used to love me, or at least made me believe they did. They aren't worth thinking about anymore, I know that. But I do anyway. It seems like Derek is just as far away as they are sometimes. I may talk to him everyday, but it is not the same. He's just as much in my mind as they are. He is mostly just a memory. It is unfair that it has to be this way most of the time. It will be over soon.

vintage//modern